fall asleep, fall apart
by sky-full-of-raindrops
Summary: They all keep pretending he's okay. He's not, of course, but he won't be the one to tell them. Or, the one where Percy's problems all begin with the nightmares that don't stop when he wakes up. Percy-centric. Post-Tartarus. Oneshot.
"There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear." –Richelle E. Goodrich

* * *

The last time Percy slept soundly was Damasen's hut. In Tartarus.

When you start wishing that you could go take a nap in Tartarus, you know something's wrong.

You know everything's wrong.

* * *

 **b** ut

it wasn't percy's fault he couldn't sleep

would _you_ turn off the lights

if you saw your worst nightmares in the darkness?

 **i** f the shadows were like a veil,

a curtain, closed when the lights are on

but, yanked aside, takes with it all light and joy and laughter

and leaves only you,

exposed,

vulnerable,

ripped of your armor of lightheartedness

with no glorious pen sword,

no weapon to protect yourself

from your past

from yourself

from the monsters, the memories that control you

 **w** ould _you_ wrap yourself up in blankets

if you still remembered what if felt like to be six feet under?

 **i** f you still felt the choking, smothering embrace

of mother earth

plotting to rip away

everything you ever had

everyone you ever loved

and keep you alive

just long enough

to watch

as you watched the ones you would give up the world for

die

and know that you should have saved them?

would you?

 **w** ould _you_ lay back and relax

if you still remembered the claws of the arai

curses

digging into your flesh

watching the girl you love

cry your name

over and over

and over again

believing that you abandoned her

believing that you left her alone

to suffer

to die

alone

in the darkness

and you can't reach her no matter how hard you try

 **a** nd it almost reminds you of your own life

your own story

because you hope

and pray

and hope

and pray

that everything will turn out alright

that the people whose lives you value above your own

(practically everyone)

will make it out alright

but it doesn't

and they don't

and somehow you're still left standing

hopeless

useless

worthless

for of what use is a hero that cannot bear the weight of the sky?

 **a** nd you would give your life a million times over

if it would save them

but you can't

and it won't

and so you're left standing on a street corner

waiting for the day

when your sword doesn't move fast enough

and for once, you're not the last man standing.

just for a change.

 **w** ould _you_ close your eyes

if the faces of the ones you failed

burned behind your eyelids

every time you even tried?

 **n** o. i didn't think so.

* * *

Demigods are raised to take care of their own problems.

Be it with their brains, their brawn, or their god-given powers, they're trained to deal with whatever crazy tortures the Fates throw at them.

And they're meant to do it on their own.

One of the first lessons you learn as a demigod is that you can't rely on your parents. They gave birth to you, sure. They might even care for you, if you're lucky. But in the end, we're all just kids, really, and we're fighting and dying in their little family feuds.

If that's not terrible parenting, I don't know what is.

If you're a half-blood, your friends are the only one that can help you when the time comes. And sometimes, even your friends can't help you.

 _A little voice in the back of your head whispers, "Can't or won't?"_

So, as a demigod, the one thing you know for sure is that if you have a problem, you deal with it yourself.

And if you can't deal with it, you ignore it.

* * *

Percy's friends thought he was fine. Or, at least, they hoped so.

Deep down, they saw the signs.

They knew what it meant when the circles under his eyes only grew darker, when his smiles and laughs went from easy to forced to nonexistent, when there remained a glow under his cabin door long after everyone else should have been asleep.

When he put Frank in the infirmary during a friendly spar in the name of training.

When he snapped at Hazel, practically his little sister, when she asked him how he slept.

When he pushed away even Annabeth after she asked him to tell her what was bothering him.

They had been trained from childhood to identify threats, to be aware of their surroundings.

Of course they noticed.

Noticed that his had always seemed to be fingering his pants pocket.

Noticed how he never seemed to let his guard down, even around his closest friends.

Noticed how he would disappear for hours alone, the only proof of his absence a pile of decimated dummies in the training room.

But they chalked it up to post-Tartarus stress and hoped it would go away with time.

They didn't even dare to think about what it meant if they were wrong.

Oh, yes, they saw the signs.

They just didn't want to believe in them.

Because it hurt them, it cut their souls to ribbons to admit that their friend wasn't all right.

Maybe it was a little selfish of them.

But when you're fighting a war children were never meant to fight, laying down your lives for those you love, giving everything up to save people you might not ever see again-

Is it so wrong to be a little selfish?

* * *

Percy couldn't sleep.

It had nothing to do with the evenings he spent staring at the ceiling until his eyes burned, unwilling to succumb to the blackness because of the river that burned behind his eyelids.

Or the hours he spent capping and uncapping his sword, just for the security of its bronze glow until the sun's rays cast away the hideous palace of night.

Or the nights when the darkness seemed to envelop him, swallow him whole, eat away at him from the inside until the splintering cracks became too much to bear and he didn't go to bed at all.

Nope, it had nothing to do with that. Nothing at all.

(When did he start telling himself lies? No, better question, when did he stop believing in them?)

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, a hero's worst enemy is not the monsters.

It's the nightmares.

* * *

 **Review! Let me know what you think!**

 **-inblindingdarkness**

 **3/18/16: Updated to fix minor typos.**


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